I had a conversation with Jeff yesterday that’s been sitting with me. It started because of this picture he posted on Instagram. It’s me in the gym, mid-workout, doing this goofy “hulk smash” pose with a ferocious roar on my face. It’s the kind of thing I’d normally laugh about, but seeing it publicly posted, I felt… off.

Jeff, being Jeff, asked me what was bothering me about it. And I didn’t have an answer. I just knew it didn’t sit right with me.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I think it’s not about the picture itself. It’s about what it shows—or maybe what it doesn’t show. When people see me, I think the first thing they notice is my size, my strength, this hypermasculine image I project. And I know that image says something about me before I even open my mouth. It says I’m a certain kind of man—the kind of man I know I still carry in some ways, but also the kind of man I know it’s time to let go of.

Here’s where it gets messy: I think I lean into that image—this idea of being super strong, of being someone who’s unshakable—because it feels safe. It feels like something I can control. If I look strong, people won’t question whether I am strong. And if they don’t question it, maybe I won’t have to either.

But there’s more to strength than just muscle, isn’t there? I wrote about that last time—how strength isn’t just about pushing through pain, but about sitting with it, learning from it. That’s the kind of strength I want to have. The kind I want to pass on to others.

And yet, I can’t help but wonder if this image I project is getting in the way of that. If I’m so focused on looking strong, am I leaving room to actually be strong? Am I leaving room to be wrong, to learn, to grow?

I don’t have answers to these questions yet. What I do know is that Jeff was right to ask me why I felt uncomfortable about that picture. Because the truth is, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because when I look at that image, I see myself exactly the way the world sees me—big, strong, in control. And maybe I’m starting to realize that’s only part of the story.

For now, all I can do is keep asking questions. About myself, about what strength really means, about the kind of person I want to be. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe strength starts with being willing to look at yourself and admit you don’t have it all figured out.

~ Matthew 🌳